EN - Self Love

I felt much lighter!

At the end of the last year, I cut my hair to donate (here is a blog entry about that). At that time, my hair was pretty much cut horizontally straight, so in February, I went to see a Japanese hair stylist who moved to Maui in the recent years from New York City where he used to work as professional a hair stylist. I had my hair layered without changing the overall length, so that I can still make a bun (I need it for the classical Indian dance).

I haven't treated myself with a real hair salon for a quite long time. 

I guess it's important to take care of myself time to time.  On the way home from the hair cut, I found myself giggling with happiness. I watched myself as if I was watching a little child with a new toy. I said to myself, "You look really happy, and I'm happy for you." 

I used to feel hesitation sharing photos of myself because I wasn't confident in myself. I was also afraid of them being taken as display of arrogance. Believe it or not, since I was bullied in elementary school, I could not look at myself in a mirror at a public place (like at a public bathroom). When many girls were checking on themselves in a mirror, I looked down and quickly washed my hands and left. I was afraid of people thinking, "Who do you think you are to be checking yourself in a mirror?" I was afraid of a voice saying, "Do you think you get more cute or beautiful if you try? What a fool. Don't even bother." 

Of course, I did not want to live with that voice forever. Over time, I've worked with it through counseling sessions and many self-help exercises. Today, I am grateful to be able to say that something has shifted in me, and I've reached a point where I had come to accept myself for who I am. This acceptance leads me to share photos of myself as if I am sharing my sister, not from a place of look at me, me, me, but from a detached place as if to say, "Once upon a time, there was a person named Akari, and here is her story."

After I turned age 20, acne started to come out. Since then, it has been a non-stop journey with acne breakouts. They gave me much headache. I did not care so much of how I looked, but what I did not appreciate was actual physical pain. I was afraid of putting a T-shirt on. When I slept, I had to shape the cover like a letter U around my neck, so that it wouldn't touch my neck and chin. 

Recently, the acne has finally subsided. What I now can see are scars which I couldn't see them before because they were hidden under newly formed acnes. The moon-surface like scars are all over my face. It would be a lie if I said that I don't even have the slightest amount of wish to have the scars get lighter. 

However, I love them, too. I don't say this to be spiritual or to sound noble. I mean it. There are 9 years of history that I dealt with them daily. They are a proof that I chose to laugh despite of the pains. So whenever I see them, I think, "What a cool decoration (or medals) they are!" They remind me that I can laugh no matter what, and beauty can be permeated from within." 

There is nothing wrong with loving ourselves like you love your child. Please be you and own your beauty. When we can find beauty in ourselves, we start to see beauty in others, and when we see beauty in others, we start to see more beauty in ourselves. It seems to work like that, and the world starts to shine even more.